Realizing A Dream Isn’t Coming True

It hurts when we the light bulb in our brain shines into our heart and we realize a dream that we’ve held isn’t coming true. I’m in that place today. I call this feeling the Indigo Blues, and it’s one of the reasons that I can achieve the colors and patterns in the dye works that I create.

On June 10 an event happened that reconnected me with a 62-year-old childhood memory. Place and memory are art concepts that I use in my creative hands adventures. However, in reality these concepts cause me pain in my everyday life. An art professor at Carolina told me at the beginning of my art making life, that it was obvious to him that I had experienced pain in my life because I could create beauty with little effort. The clarity that I experienced by participating in Indigenous Fashion Week Toronto helps me understand my present reality.

With this morning’s brilliant sunrise and promise of a new day, my heart and mind are in sync. My heart doesn’t want to let go of the promise of love that’s been held precious in its inner chamber pumping life through my body. But, I must let go, so that I can live and create in the present not the past. Yesterday is gone forever and it’s no going backwards in life. For me to make art, I have to be in the moment not the past or the future. Today’s breaths and today’s reality are the necessary ingredients that enable me to create something out of nothing.

It all comes back to faith and trust in God. Either I have preserving steadfast faith and unshakable hope in God or I don’t. If I do then I trust God’s plan for my life. I studied Romans in BSF last season and gained insights into what faith, salvation, sanctification and redemption really mean. The greatest letter ever written is a difficult study because it becomes a mirror that reflects our true broken pitiful self through God’s eyes. Romans teaches me how unworthy I am and that it’s only through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit that I am capable of achieving anything. On my own, I’m helpless and unable to help anyone including myself.

So, this morning in the light of day, with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes I let go of my 62-year-old connection to a kind six year old. When I was five he gave me the confidence to pull myself up and stand when the weight of the plaster casts on my deformed feet grounded me in hopelessness. His kindness inspires me and I’m thankful for the tenderness of the experience. I’ll put the distress that I’m feeling into today’s indigo vat. As the cloth is transformed in the process, I pray that “Little Canoe” gets me back to Lake Ontario and the Algonquin Nation.

The image today is a sample of the Little Canoe Algonquin resist pattern on indigo dyed cotton cloth that I created last week.  All this week my dye work will explore using this resist technique.