Day02 | Woke Up This Morning With My Mind Stayed On Freedom
The isolation of living in my Momma’s house with the memories of four generations of women whose blood flows in my veins has broken me into dried out shards of clay. I feel like a greenware clay vessel that’s been repeatedly thrown to the ground to see how many times the pieces will break. Some people suffer from depression during the winter but not me. The relentless high wattage heat of summer pushes me to a white heat funk that takes my breath away. But I’m realizing that my suffering has a purpose. My feelings of displacement and fears of being alone make me a face of depression.
Everyday, this past summer was a struggle, in part because I had traveled to the high plains of the Blackfoot Kainai Reserve in Alberta, Canada. The vastness of the big sky reached deep into the core of my being by showing me what freedom looks like. A land full of possibilities! It’s no wonder that the claustrophobic dense green of Eastern North Carolina closed in on me. And all the stuff inside my Momma’s house makes me feel closed-in and anxious, like it’s no escape. The summer of 2019 was the most severe depression in my life. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong plus more and more. I had many days when I felt that I would have to die to feel better.
But now that fall is here and I’m days from Otahpiaaki, I can understand the lessons from my suffering. It is to break me to the point where I can be a blessing to others and a positive influence to the creative energies of the Otahpiaaki Gathering. As my grandmother would say, “Baby Girl you have to wade in troubled waters to get to the other side. Gators and water moccasins may be swimming after you in dark murky water, but you’ve got to get yourself to the dirt on the other side. And remember, don’t get dead!”
So, as I sojourn to this Indigenous Peoples Life Event, I expect abundant blessings and abundant miracles for everyone participating. I know that I’m not the only one participating who has struggled. Trickster has set every mean-spirited, hurtful, vengeful trap to throw me and many others off our game. But, I didn’t give up, but for Jesus! My faith sustains me! My daily prayer is for persevering steadfast faith and unshakable hope! A new adventure awaits!